Bella's Day Off
by Ms.Naruto-Fan
Summary: - Bella's... series - She begged and convinced and now she's got it. Bella will finally get one day to herself, but what she doesn't know is that the Cullens are going to follow...secretly
1. PreChapter

More fun for Me

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(Bella is still human)

**Pre-chapter: How It All Began**

BPOV:

I called the family meeting and now I had to deal with the consequences. All seven of those beautiful creatures were staring back at me. I had to say something fast. "Um, I called you all here because I need to discuss something important."

I shifted my weight from my left foot to my right nervously. I walked over to Alice. "You know you're my best friend right?" She nodded.

I walked over to Edward and gripped his hand. "And, you know I love you, right?" He nodded.

I sighed and stepped back from him. "I love you all but…I need my space."

Edward gasped and I could feel the sadness in the room courtesy of Jasper. "I knew it! You're leaving me aren't you? Is it for a man with better hair? Is it my skin? Damn this killer's skin! Love, please don't leave me!" He was begging on his knees in front of me.

"Edward, I'm not leaving you." He sighed in relief. "I just need a day to myself."

He looked at me with his head cocked to one side in confusion. "You guys are always there. When I wake up, Edward's there. When I have to piss, you're there. When I eat you're there. When I go shopping, Alice is there. Edward, I haven't taken a crap in a week now! MY human moments have to be censored 24/7 because I don't want Emmet cracking jokes every five minutes. I just need this one day." Now I was begging.

"But, love-"

"ONE DAY," I interrupted while clenching my jaw in frustration.

He looked me in the eyes and then at Alice. She didn't seem to like the idea either but I needed space and time to do the things a human needs to do and I damn sure wasn't about to let a magical vampire-pixie-girl-thing ruin it. I turned to her with my ultimate puppy-dog face and she caved. "Alright, Bella, ONE day." And with that it was agreed. Tomorrow was mine all mine.

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I hope you guys liked the pre-chapter.

Be prepared for some OOC lip-syncing, farting, burping, crap in a toilette, prep-shopping, whore looking fun, though.

Luvs,

Moi


	2. Bathroom

I was on last night and decided to write the next chapter

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Chapter One: The Bathroom

BPOV:

Thank God it was Saturday.

I woke up to the sunlight hitting my eyes through the window. My eyes fluttered open but I squinted because my eyes weren't used to it. I sat up, yawned and stretched. I glanced at the clock. It was ten a.m. Then it hit me, no Edward.

My head turned to glance around my room. The window was closed and locked, he was gone. Time to get down to business. I only have twenty-four hours and here I am sleeping.

I hopped up out of my bed and stood in the middle of my room. I spread my arms wide and let out the longest "silent but deadly" farts I've ever held.

EPOV:

There was no way I was leaving my clumsy angel alone and unsupervised. For all I knew, she could trip fall and die without me to catch her. No way. Besides, I wanted to know what my Bella does all day and no one was about to miss this. So here I am, looking through Bella's window with my entire family breathing down my back. She was finally waking.

I watched as she stretched and yawned, god she was beautiful. I couldn't wait to see what she would look like when we decide to do the "dirty deed of dirty Dan." Stop, this is no time to pitch tents. She looked around the room, for me I guess, and jumped from her bed. She spread her arms and Jasper could feel satisfaction radiating from her. I leaned in closer to the closed window as she ran to the bathroom, as did the rest of my family. That's when the WORST smell I've ever smelled in my one hundred and eight years escaped through the cracks in the windows. "OH GAWD! What the Hell is that!" yelled Emmet trying to cover his nose.

She farted. My Perfect Bella really farted. As if the moment couldn't get any worse, we heard noises coming from the bathroom. It wasn't anything I couldn't handle, like if she was fishing [in order to fist in the bathroom, one needs to use the MASTER bait.] I pressed ear to the window as did my family. _"Bloop!"_

"Good Lord, she's taking a DUMP!" yelled Jasper. This time she was radiating relief.

BPOV:

As I ran to the bathroom, I swear I heard Emmet's voice. But that would be silly. I sat on the toilette and let out the crap I'd been holding all week as to not stink up Esme's wonderful home.

I washed my hands after flushing and ran downstairs for breakfast.

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Next chapter soon…

I'm so excited, this is my second twi-fic that's not a oneshot


	3. Breakfast

Chapter Two: Breakfast

BPOV:

Now that my bowels were empty I was hungry. I ran downstairs and into the kitchen. I opened the fridge and looked to see what I had. I found bacon, eggs and bread. I took out the griddle Charlie bought and cooked a sunny side egg and five strips of maple bacon. I loved maple bacon because it made the entire house smell like maple syrup. The bacon was crisp and the egg was done. I piled the hot food on toast and cut the sandwich in two.

EPOV:

I can't believe humans eat that. My face contorted in disgust. Carlisle looked fine but I guess he couldn't help himself because he said (rather loudly) "That can't be good for her arteries."

But things got weirder when Jasper blurted out, "Why is there LUST coming from her?"

Bella's head bolted up from her sandwich. I grabbed Carlisle's head and pushed him under the window sill. We were hiding outside her kitchen. When we returned to get a better view the sandwich was gone and she was licking her fingers. Then the unexpected happened. Esme said, "Day-um, she inhaled that piece right there."

We all looked at Esme who replied, "What? I needed a human moment."

Bella went to the sink to wash her dish and the griddle. While doing so she shook har backside and began to sing. I recognized it as Malchik Gey. [ a song sung by the Russian group t.a.t.u. about falling in love with a gay boy and trying to turn him straight] What the hell. Emmet and Jasper were snickering. I turned my gaze back to the window. MY Bella smacked her backside and yelled my name. Then she proceeded up to her room while saying, "How I love that malchik gey (gay boy)."

Emmet broke down in laughter and the rest of my family struggled to keep it in. She came back down in some ratty jeans and a white tee-shirt with a stain in it. Alice was seething and Jasper's powers weren't helping much. Bella's hair was held back in a pony tail and she wore a pair of tattered blue converse. Let me just say…she's looked better. She grabbed her keys and was out the door. We hid. She jumped into her truck and drove off.

We ran behind her. She pulled into the parking lot of a huge mall in Seattle. She jumped out the car and let out a burp before heading towards the mall. It smelled like rancid pork. I could have sworn I was Rosalie turn Green


	4. the Mall

Chapter 3: The Mall

BPOV:

Finally, I get to shop alone. I pulled into the parking lot with my old truck. I jumped out after burping from this morning wonderful meal. That sandwich was good. I knew I was dressed badly. I knew good fashion from bad but I liked having options. The mall was huge and I had plenty to choose from but I knew exactly where I was going.

I walked through the glass doors. I spotted my store. I ran in a bought what I came to get. I ran out with one bag. I found some no name shoe store and bought some heels. I was done but now I needed to conduct my experiment: to see if I was really at all attractive. I ran to the mall bathroom to change.

EPOV:

"She's going SHOPPING WITHOUT ME!" yelled Alice. Jasper was holding her back. We watched as she ran into Abercrombie and Fitch. It took all of my concentration not to read the mind of the sales lady. MY Bella ran out and into some shoe store. She bought…she bought…hooker heels. Why would she need those? My thoughts were interrupted when she ran into the bathroom. "Off to take another dump I see," said Jasper

My family started laughing but they were soon caught off guard. Bella walked out of the bathroom in a navy wife beater with navy letter and a denim min skirt that barely covered. She had on a beach necklace and the tall heels. How was she going to walk in those? I could see guys looking and hear their nasty thoughts. I was growling.

She took her hair out of the ponytail and leaned forward to let it fall over onto her face. Then she flipped if back. Her thick chocolate tresses were cascading down her heart shaped face. She was wearing make-up and from what I knew it was pink gloss, blush, mascara, and eye shadow. "Damn, who knew the human had it in her!" said Emmet.

I glared. Rosalie replied, "and you guys say I dress slutty."

She strutted down the hallway like she owned the place, not tripping or stumbling once. I was so turn on. Then the guys went to talk to her.

APOV:

This group of guys walked up to Bella. They were flirting and you could tell she was enjoying it. Edward started to bitch.

"She's leaving me. I knew it!" I rolled my eyes. "I knew it was because I was too pale. Look at that guy she's talking to now. Look how tan He is!"

"Edward," I said, "That's a black guy."

"…I KNEW IT!" He began to dry sob.

Then a vision hit:

_The guy had gotten Bella's number. He dialed the number but instead of her voice, he got the rejection hotline._

"Edward relax, she rejects him. She loves your sparkle too much."

He sighed. Bella was leaving the mall to go back home. Then I had another vision:

_Bella and her human friends were having a -_


	5. Naked

_Bella and her human friends were having a –_

_(and no I will not continue from there)_

Chapter 4: Naked

BPOV:

Not that I was beaming with confidence, I knew I had to do something crazy. I had to do…something Edward would never let me do…I got it. I called Angela. "Bella?"

"Hey Ange! You wouldn't believe it but Edward's not coming over today."

"For ONCE! What do you want me to do?"

"Remember that stack of ideas we made for when Edward goes away for a day?"

"…yeah."

"Get plan number NP41 ready."

"…but Bella, that one's extremely…bold."

"Invite the gang from school to my house. I'll call as many numbers as I can. It starts at seven."

"Bella…it's six now, but I'll try."

"THANK YOU!!!"

"Bye, Bells. See ya at seven."

I hung up to go to the local grocery store and pick up backs of chips and bottles of soda. This was gonna be great.

EPOV:

I watched her set up for what looked like a party. Alice was getting angry all over again. "I can't believe we weren't invited," she kept mumbling.

As long as my Bella was safe I didn't care. Then the door bell rang at six forty-five. She answered the door but it was only Angela. They started squealing and jumping up and down for about five minutes straight. The excitement was so much that I swear I heard Jasper struggling to hold back a squeal too. Bella and Angela were giggling so much that I almost couldn't make out what they were saying. I saw cars start to pull up at seven. It was Newton and the rest of the basketball team, and they were all...Naked. What was going on. They rang the doorbell and I watched as Bella squealed again. Her and Jessica started stripping. I watched Bella get down to her underwear. She stripped to nothing except her necklaces from A & F. Oh…and Angela was naked too. More cars pulled up, including Lauren and Jessica and their crew. I wasn't sure what was going to them seeing as how Bella wasn't exactly a fan of them. (read Bella's Anger for more information on this) I had to be at least twenty kids waiting NAKED outside Bella's door. I guess it was a good thing Charlie wasn't coming back until next week.

What I recognized as Gay Bar club music started playing. I could see from the window as _Newton_ decided to dance with Bella. Usually I wouldn't have minded but they were…they were NAKED.

My angel was grinding her backside into his…tiny counterpart. What the Hell was this??!! Alice wasn't helping when she said that it looked like fun. I could see a naked Jessica fuming. It was a naked party. She was throwing a naked party without us.

BPOV:

I was glad Edward and the Cullens weren't here. They were all perfectly sculpted like models…only better. I just wanted to have fun, not be self conscious the entire time while watching Rosalie. Mike was dancing with me and I could feel him getting aroused. Did he not realize I had a boyfriend who could kick his ass into next week? The doorbell rang. I left Mike to go answer the door and there in the doorway stood five naked angels.

"What the hell?"

"Oh, love, I found out you were having a party and decided to come over."

I gulped. He was like a marble statue that god had breathed life into just for me to sex up. His brothers weren't bad to look at either and if I played for the other team, I'd hit his sisters too. I was suddenly aware of how squishy I was. "Sure, come in."

While turning around I snuck a look at the goods and was surprised. How did he go around for a HUNDRED and EIGHT YEARS without getting laid when he had a foot long stuffed in his trousers.

I didn't mind that his family had come over but I was a little pissed that they broke my rules. I sent everyone home at around midnight. The Cullens stayed. NO ONE got dressed.

"Okay guys, we need to talk."


	6. Dolls

_Previously on Bella's Day Off: "Okay guys, we need to talk."_

**BPOV:**

What was I going to do with these guys? They all sat on the couch giving me the puppy look, naked. It's not like I'm going to run away and never see them again. It was just one day without the human and they couldn't take it. I walked upstairs and grabbed my dolls hidden at the back of my closet. Renee bought me these when I was little and here they were ready for use. I walked back downstairs and Alice was trying to get out of trouble by 'crying.' It was not working.

I plopped the basket of dolls on the table. I turned to look out the window and saw a flash of blond and brown. "Carlisle, Esme, you can come out. I can see you for goodness sake."

Sure enough They walked through the open front door and began to strip. "WHAT ARE YOU DOIN!?" I yelled while covering my eyes.

"Well…" Esme left the sentence open.

"We wanted to join the party too," Carlisle finished.

I sighed as they sat on the couch next to their children. I looked they each in the eye (Rosalie tried to glare back but I had my resolve). "I know you guys followed me all day."

I watched as Edward's face became even whiter…if possible. "Love…how'd you find out?"

"You guys were so loud, I heard you all from a mile away. Let me show you how inconspicuous you guys were."

**Emmet's POV:**

I watched as she searched through the box of doll. What was she searching for that could prove her point. She pulled out a doll of Yogi Bear and a woody doll (toy story).

"I woke up this morning for some private business and what do I hear?" She looked at me and Jasper.

She held up yogi doll and in her best impression of the bear she said "OH GAWD!"

She held up the woody doll and in a southern accent she said "Good lord!"

**BPOV:**

I watched as Japer and Emmet hung their heads in shame. Then I picked up the next set of dolls.

**Esme's POV:**

Bella pulled a charming brown haired Barbie out of the box and a blond ken doll. The funny thing was though was that the female had on a doctor's outfit and the male had on some leather shorts. Bella's face flushed instantly. "Ummm, uh…let me explain."

She held up the blond doll. "Hi, I'm Calisle. I'm the doctor."

They she held up my doll. "Hi, I'm Esme. I'm the house wife."

Bella glanced around the room for approval. "And when we get in the bedroom, we switch roles."

Oh know, she's found out. What will the family think. Edward gave me a look of disgust. I guess they, um, didn't know. He nodded.

**BPOV:**

I glad that was over with. I held up the Carlisle doll and said "That can't be good fro her arteries."

I held the Esme doll and said, "Day-um."

I dropped both dolls and picked up woody. "LUST?!!!"

I found my skipper doll (Barbie's preteen sister) and had dyed the hair brown. I held it up and shrieked "She went shopping without me!"

I dug out a plain blond Barbie wearing a bikini. "And you say, I dress slutty."

I was almost done. I had to find my Edward doll.

**EdPOV:**

She dug her hand out one last time and pulled out a Raggedy Andy doll. What the hell.

Cullen's POV:

OH MY GAWD!!!

Bella's POV:

I pulled out a bootleg Barbie Renee had gotten me when she was broke that week. It was uglier than the real barbies but it proved my point. "Oh Edward, you know I love you."

I made the two dolls kiss. Then I threw them in the box. I picked up the Carlisle and Esme dolls and placed the mini whip I made in toy-Esme's hand. "Oh Carlisle, don't speak or else I get to deal out the punishment."

The whip hit toy-Carlisle's back and I threw the dolls in the box. I picked up the woody doll and the skipper doll. I let the skipper doll ride the woody doll like a horse (the sexual way). "Oh, jazzy."

I threw them away. I picked up the Yogi doll and the Barbie and started slamming them together. "Oh,…oh…oh…oh…oh-"

"Love, is there a point to this?"

I blushed and threw the dolls back into the bin. "Um…no."

They looked at me like I had grown a second head. "I need space you guys. I'm just one human and as you can see from today, I need to do things in **private**. Understand?"

They each nodded and walked out of my house naked. I went upstairs and fell asleep on my bed without getting dressed.

* * *

and then they all died...

jk jk


End file.
